Dear Erica,
Here is my Break Up Story:
I’m 25 and my boyfriend, Sebastian, is 28. It’s been almost 5 months since the beginning…He never told me that he didn’t want to have a real relationships.

After a trip we took together, he started to feel distant in the beginning, but then the situation became worse. After I asked him if he has any feelings for me, he said that he definitely has some feelings, but he can’t say that he loves me the same way I love him. At all my “what happened” questions, his answer was “nothing”. I really wanted our relationship be as special as the beginning, but the situation became worse and worse.

 
On July 11th we had sex and then afterwards I asked him where our relationship is going, and he told me that he doesn’t want to commit. All he wanted was “friends with benefits”. I was in panic and felt terrible. He suggested for me to break up with him, but I told him that I need to think everything over. So we talked about things over and over, but our conversation went in the same direction; that now he was the one who needs to think. When he was leaving I asked him how long I should wait for his respond. “Three days” he told me.

All following days were filled with panic and fear…he took…nine days.
We went to the movies, he was distant, then I called him but he was even colder. Then I got sick and decided that if he wants to be with me, he needs to show his interest. He called me the next day, called me “honey and sweetie”, and got me more confused. The next day my friends insisted for me to call and he treated me like I don’t even exist. I decided to break up with him but my friends insisted for me to be patient and calm down.

Then he called me and asked if we could talk so we met up. He asked what I think about our relationship and I said that I’m the one who is waiting for the answer. He said that he wants to break up. Bottom line was that I’m a very special person, but he doesn’t want to hurt me and he does not know what happened. The conversation was long, but he asked if I think we still can see each other.

He told me that I stopped him from many bad habits (like drinking beer) but I ended up running out of his place in tears. I thought that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but as soon as I got home I cancelled our relationship on Facebook and changed my profile. I felt that if I disappear from his life now, maybe we can be back in the future. Later on I noticed that he did the same to his Facebook – deleted our pictures and staff. I still don’t understand “what I could’ve possible done.”

Now, here are my questions:

Do you think we have a chance to be together later on?
ERICA: Clara,  there are always chances, but you have to be honest with yourself. You’ve never had a relationship with Sebastian. There was “the spark” in the beginning, brief dating, and great sex. Later on Sebastian decided to be “friends with benefits”.
Now, what does this mean? Friends with benefits mean that a man has no feeling, but enjoys having sex.  You can’t make a man feel something by asking him, pushing him, or confronting him. But you can attract him.
When you talk about “being together” what exactly do you mean? Sure, you have a chance to have sex again and again without any commitment from his side. Also, you might occasionally spent some “quality time”– when he is bored or has no one else on the pics.
Remember, “Friends with benefits” means NON EXCLUSIVE – means OTHER WOMEN.
As for real relationships…Sebastian is not the one who isn’t ready. You are the one who is not ready and not able to handle a real functional relationship.
Men want relationships with girls who are “prizes” for them. I’ll give you an example. You like a beautiful expensive bag at a fancy stores. You save up for this bag, think about it, go to see it many times, and eventually get it. How would you treat the bag? It would be precious, right?
Now imagine if you get to the store and you get this bag as a free gift. How valuable would it be to you? You’d start thinking that maybe that bag is out of date, or damaged. You won’t want it as bad anymore. Do you get my point?
Men want girls who are fun, independent, and free (mentally and spiritually). They want challenges, they want to chaise, hunt, and to go through difficulties. This is the way men are wired.
You do not have any chance to have any real relationships until you genuinely change. Think about what initially attracted him to you. Are you still the same? Are you still that fun girl who he used to have a great time with? The girl who he went after? Or did you turn into a needy, clingy girl who pressures him? Everyone wants to have a good time. And listening numerous times to “where does this go” is no fun for men.
However, there is one problem. For example, you decide to change yourself and your life and become a self confident and secure person who accepts other people the way they are without wanting to change them and you understand that each person has “personal borders” (and you definitely crossed Sebastian’s).

You’ll be able to make decisions without listening to your friends (by the way what made you listen to them? Are they absolutely happy in relationships?). Well, as soon as you’ll change, you won’t be interested in “Sebastian’s” type anymore. You’ll appreciate totally different guys.

Do you think he told me the truth about not wanting me completely out of his life?

ERICA: Yes, he told you the truth. But the reason why he wants to have you in his life is that by talking to you, seeing you, he wants to “control the situation”. Men like to be “in control”. This is another way to prove that he can do to you whatever he wants to do. It has nothing to do with feelings, emotions or desire to be with you. It’s all about HIM.
If you cut the communication completely – then you’ll be in control. He hasn’t been without you because you are always available. Let him spend time without you. Remember, men don’t understand words, they understand no contact.
What did I do wrong?
There is not “wrong” or “right”. There are some rules that lead to happy relationships. It’s like if you want to lose weight permanently, you have to eat right and exercise.

What can I do to feel as peaceful and as happy as before?

ERICA: In order to be happy with someone

1. you have to learn how to be totally happy by yourself. You are not in love, you are addicted do different emotions.
2. you have to learn recognize negative emotions: anger, fear, jealousy, anxiety etc.
3. you have to learn how to switch from negative to positive feelings
4. you have to learn about personal borders.
5. You have to realize that being with someone will not make you peaceful. Happiness and piece is inside of you.

Do you think I’m the problem, or I have a problem?

ERICA: You are NOT a problem. You are a great girl who wants to be happy with boyfriend. You do not have a problem. You have luck of life experience and knowledge of men’s psychology. You’ll be fine, one day you’ll be laughing remembering this.
Many years ago I’ve been told “Erica, if you take all your energy you spend on relationships and apply it to business, you’ll be very successful”. I did.  I’m thankful to this person because he was absolutely right.

I really wanna be with him, how can I get my Sebastian back but not to suffer from the same situations as before?

ERICA: It’s another subject and will take long way to go and many books to read to learn how to do it.

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